We are living in extraordinary times. At this writing, over 100 million Americans are living under “stay-at-home” orders to prevent the spread of Covid-19 and the American (realistically, the world) economy is at a standstill unlike anything experienced in recent history. Our healthcare system is being overwhelmed with little relief in sight and the American government’s response to this crisis has not inspired any sense of confidence in its ability to effectively respond to the challenges we are facing.
These are troubling times. How does a human brain deal with troubling times? It grieves.
That may be a confusing statement for some people. You may be thinking to yourself, “okay, yeah, that sounds great, but I’m not seeing a lot of people crying right now.., what I’m seeing doesn’t look like grief to me.” And that is my point. Sadness is only one piece of the grief process.
Yes, grief is a process. According to experts, there are five discreet “phases” of grief. Those phases are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression/sadness
- Acceptance
Think about what you are seeing around you in this moment. Parents under “stay-at-home” orders allowing their children to play with other kids at the park. Pastors in churches conducting in-person church services for hundreds of people while the government has restricted meetings of 10 or more people. Television “pundits” espousing the views that the Covid-19 television coverage is all a hoax designed to undermine the current administration. These are all examples of denial at work.
Denial is not a manifestation of someone being stupid, wrong, uniformed, or bad. In most cases, denial is the security blanket that the human brain wraps around itself because it lacks the skills and information necessary to deal with the crisis directly. Those of us who have survived the ravages of addiction understand this concept well. Think about the extent to which our brains went to avoid the truths that life was trying to tell us.
And what happened when we couldn’t stay in denial any longer? We got angry and struck out at everything and everybody. Railing at the government, cursing out our employers for closing offices, blaming other people or geographies for what is happening to us. Getting royally pissed at other people’s behavior when they’re not doing what we want them to do. Anger presents itself when our brains are pushed out of denial and the scale and scope or our powerlessness is presented to us. Had any moments of anger or rage recently? Had something simple push you into a full-blown fury? Seen it happen among other people? Been noticing how critical and judgmental others are being? These are all manifestations of anger – of people reacting to the fact that they are not getting what they want.
And then the bargaining starts which sounds something like this: “Okay, I’ve been told that I am at elevated risk for Covid-19. I know there is a “stay-at-home” order issued by my state and the federal government is limiting meetings of 10 or more people. I’m going to go to an in-person AA meeting tonight because the responsibility pledges says that I am responsible.” Or, “The restrictions are there but my friends and I are going to go to a local restaurant for dinner, it’s just the six of us and the restaurant should be empty.” These are examples of bargaining. Our brains will do anything to not fully embrace the loss we are facing so it tries to negotiate around it. When we’re in the bargaining process, our brains flip in and out of denial trying to rationalize a way to avoid the sadness and full acceptance of where we are.
So what’s my point here?
It’s really easy to get angry. It’s really easy to point fingers. It’s really easy to blame and shame and minimize the crazy, irrational behaviors we’re seeing around us in the world today. That’s the easy path. It is not the path of a compassionate warrior.
A compassionate warrior understands that most people do not have a program for living that keeps them on the path of enlightenment. Most people are not as lucky as we are to have a process that we can work every day to lead us to acceptance. Most people live lives of grief avoidance – which is true for everyone living any manifestation of the disease of addiction. Not everyone is as blessed as people in recovery who have a 12-step grief management process that they can work every day.
These are extraordinary times. Everyone is struggling and that struggle manifests itself in unfortunate but predictable ways. A compassionate warrior recognizes the place where people are and brings mercy.
In the (lightly edited) words of Emmet Fox:
“When another’s delinquency comes to your notice, remember that the God in him is calling out for help to you who are enlightened — so be merciful.”
Every single moment that we are present for the pain that others are experiencing that they lack the tools necessary to confront and rise above is an opportunity for compassionate warriors to rise above. It is an opportunity for each of us to see God in this mess and to bring our best game.
We’ve all been mired in the process of grief. That’s where we all were before we started our recovery journeys. Looking at the events around us through that lens – that those people that we see acting out are the “still sick and suffering” that we pray for at meetings. In these chaotic, challenging times, practice the principles in all your affairs: be merciful in every thought and deed.
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Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth., and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. New York ; Toronto: Scribner, 2005.
Emmet Fox, The Sermon on the Mount, The Key to Success in Life, Buccaneer Books, Cutchogue, NY, 1934
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