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Bruce Almighty – Is It Odd or Is It God?

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Several years ago, while working for a small, not-for-profit medical education company, I created a novel approach to training physicians about their diagnostic decision processes.  This idea had tremendous promise.  We heavily promoted this concept.  After months of work and speaking with a number of people at a major medical society in neurology about this product, I was invited to attend a Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting to discuss the impact of diagnostic error in neurology and this specific product.  This was November of 2009.

I had tremendous anxiety about this trip.  I am not a person who possesses a great deal of self-esteem.  I question my own ideas and intellect constantly.  I’ve spent most of my life living in the land of less then in a state of not-good-enough.  And while I have improved in my ability to “act as if” over the course of the last 20 years of my life, as I move forward in the process to more imposing or difficult challenges, anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment and fear of failure remain my constant companions.  This trip was no different.

I agreed to participate in this meeting about two weeks before the actual meeting.  The medical society made all the arrangements for me.  My flight and hotel were addressed through their travel team – I simply needed to show up.  The Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting was being held in Las Vegas (as it is every year). I found myself on a flight to MacCarren airport asking myself what the hell I was doing there.

The entire trip from New York to Vegas was colored by an internal discussion with the Universe about my fear.   I was battling the internal voices that were telling me that I was going to fail.  I had a constant tape running in my head telling me that this idea was bogus and it won’t work.

It was a lovely flight.

To offset the committee in my head, I repeated “Thy will, not mine, be done” over and over. I stayed in the discussion of asking only to know what the Universe needed from me in that moment and to be given the power to carry whatever it might be out.  I kept telling myself to detach from the outcome of success or failure of the venture and to look at the value of the trip for what it was – a learning experience.  I stayed sane by asking the Universe to show me what Her will was for me.  I repeatedly asked for the courage to face whatever it might be.  And, I asked the Universe to show me that I was in the right place.

The hotel that had been arranged was Planet Hollywood.  When I arrived, I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I was greeted with a big smile from an employee who was tremendously enthusiastic about my visit while I checked it at the cavernous front desk. .  We went through the typical dialogue that occurs at hotel registration while you’re waiting for the computer to process and documents to print – questions like “where are you travelling from,” “what will you be doing while you are in town,” “have you been here before,” etc.  I truly wanted to say that I was from New York and that I expected my career in continuing medical education to crash and burn while I was here.  Instead, I answered his questions honestly, wanting only to get to my room and lie down.

Smiling broadly, this gentleman handed me my identification, credit card and room key, and concluded our conversation by saying that a very special room had been reserved for me.  I remember thinking at the time, “I bet you say that to all the guests!” – not that I was in a place governed by cynicism!

This enthusiastic young man then informed me that this room was on a private floor of the hotel.  I was given specific instructions as to what elevator to use and how to access that floor.

I followed his instructions and arrived at (what I think was) the 31st floor of the hotel.  I walked down the hallway – which for all intents and purposes looked like every other hotel hallway I had ever walked down.  I opened the door to the room, stepped inside and started laughing.

When I stepped into the room, I once again got a taste of the Universe’s sense of humor.

I happen to love the Jim Carrey movie, “Bruce Almighty.”  I fell in love with the movie because of its underlying spiritual messaging:  God writes straight with crooked lines, self-centered fear is a problem for us all, is it a blessing or a tragedy and how do you know, etc.  I have watched this movie more times than I can count with my children.  I quite frequently recommend it to people I am working with who are struggling with the idea of accepting the “process” of spiritual development.

Early in the movie, Jim Carey’s character, Bruce, has experienced what he believes to be the worst day of this life.  It’s the end of the day and he is in his car with prayer beads that his girlfriend has given him.

As he is driving, he is having a “conversation” with God:

“Okay God, you want me to talk to You.  Talk back – tell me what’s going on.  What should I do?  Give me a signal!”

The video cuts to the image of a road construction sign that he must be seeing through his windshield.  It’s one of the big, generator-powered message signs that can be programmed to deliver specific directions.  This sign says, “Caution Ahead,” in big, illuminated, flashing letters.

The movie cuts back to an exasperated Bruce saying:

“I need Your guidance, Lord, please send me a sign!”

At which the camera focuses on the construction truck that has just turned in front of Bruce’s car.  This truck is carrying all manner of brilliantly illuminated road signs.  “Stop,” “Do Not Enter,” “Wrong Way,” “Dead End” are all clearly visible in the dark night.

Bruce expresses his anger at the slow moving truck in front of him.  He swerves to the right and accelerates to pass the truck.  He reaches over and grabs the prayer beads off the rear-view mirror, telling God that he needs a miracle – inviting God to reach into his life – and a second later he crashes his car.  That car crash becomes a turning point in the movie and is the beginning of transforming his journey of faith.

I love this clip in the movie because it so clearly illustrates the concept of how my experience with the Universe works, how my Higher Power speaks through situations and circumstances.  This clip is a very powerful reminder to me of how my selfishness and my often self-centered demands for how God should solve my problems quite frequently gets in the way of me seeing the signs that have been sent.  My frustration with not getting the message that I want in the way I expect to receive it can blind me to seeing the messages that are directly in front of me.

So, why did I tell you this and why was I laughing when I walked into my hotel room in Vegas?

My hotel room was the Jim Carrey room at Planet Hollywood; the first thing I saw hanging in a glass case on the wall directly across from the door was the shirt he wore in Bruce Almighty.  And all I could think was “send me a sign.”

I kept a photo of that glassed-encased shirt in my cellphone for many years.

There were 2,600 rooms in the Planet Hollywood facility in Las Vegas when I visited in 2009.  I stood there wondering about the odds of anyone being randomly assigned a specific room at a specific time in Las Vegas – considering the turnover of those rooms on any given day.   I tried to work the algorithm – it wasn’t simply 1 out of 2600 because not every guest checked out that morning.  I thought about the flow of the rooms, how they are cleaned and turned over.  And I wondered if I should go down to the casino and play.

In my mind, a sign had very clearly been delivered.  And my anxiety abated.

I didn’t get the answer about the success of the trip.  I didn’t get a miracle solution to ensure that I could answer every question that I expected would be raised by this room full of very intelligent people.  What I got was a reminder that I am not alone – an opportunity to live the “yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow I will fear not evil, for Thou are with me” that I taught children in Sunday school.  I was reminded that the Universe’s imagination and creativity is much bigger than mine.

There is tremendous peace that arises for me out of these Odd or God moments.  These little reminders serve to keep “me of little faith” walking down new and unfamiliar roads.  They serve as the signposts to remind me that the God of my Understanding is present. Even if I don’t have the destination in clear sight, I am on the right path which is really all that matters.  I am reminded in these moments to find peace in the process remembering that I cannot predict amazing.

Watching God at work…

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Last night the meeting discussed Step 11.  Instead of jumping right into the 11th Step, I chose to start in the middle – “praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out” – by telling a story.  Earlier this week, a friend called me.  As we were chatting, she mentioned that she had a dream about me and my daughter.  In that conversation, God appeared as the discussion of the dream led to a much deeper conversation about something going on in her life, and our relationship as friends.  A conversation we likely would not have had were it not for the dream.

I thought it was a great example of how God illustrates His “will” for us in so many creative ways.

So, we started there and my intention was then to circle back to demonstrate “how prayer and meditation” can improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him (Her or It).  To segue from one direction to another, I planned to play “Inhale Deep” by Macklemore (link below).

As I turned to my computer and opened iTunes, a track began to plan.  How, I do not know because I did not click the play button.  A voice filled the room and here is what she said:

“For many of us a regular daily quiet time for prayer and meditation is essential, a part of this program we don’t want to live without, for it gives us the direction and strength we need to live the rest of that day effectively…”

I stopped typing “inhale deep” in the iTunes search box and inhaled deep.  I quickly looked to see what track was playing as I did not recall ever hearing this voice before.

” Many of us begin our day with prayer and meditation, end it with another time of prayer and meditation, and also use these practices at all time during the day when we feel the need for guidance, strength or serenity.”

I looked at the iTunes interface – all is showed was Track 24, 2:52 in duration added on 12/16/15.  The track had never been played on iTunes before.

It continued…

“Step eleven’s suggestions are not intended to interfere with or replace the traditional religious practices some of us follow.”

At which point, I burst out laughing – really?  I mean really? The random track that plays for the first time from out of nowhere is on Step 11?

It continued…

“Rather, we have found that these suggestions enhance the practice of our chosen religious.  At the same time, neither step eleven nor any other step requires us to adopt an organized religion.

As with so many other aspects of this program, there is no one right way to do step eleven.  “Keep it simple” is a good slogan to apply here.  Remembering that our goal is to develop a coder conscious contact with God, prayer is simply what we do when we talk with our Higher Power, and meditation is simply a way of stilling our minds and opening our spirits to God’s influence.”

And I started laughing again as the last statement typed above was essentially what I had been saying in my conversation about my friend’s dream.  A brief conversation erupted which drowned out the narrator.  Someone asked that we simply listen to the rest of the track.  So, the group’s attention returned to it.

“In addition to repeating memorized prayers, we can express ourselves to God in our own words, much as we might talk with out best friend.  Some of us have been taught that there are things we shouldn’t say to God or feelings we shouldn’t express.  However, now that we’re recovering from compulsive eating we need complete freedom to express our honest feelings in any situation, without fear of saying the wrong things or damaging or destroying our relationship with God.  Such freedom is an essential factor in the healing process because recovery is based on the practice of honesty with ourselves and our Higher Power.  We need the security that comes from knowing that nothing can destroy our relationship with this all-important source of healing and strength while we honestly explore our deepest selves.

The eleventh step guides us to ask only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out…”

And the next thing I knew, iTunes was playing a voice memo I recorded for a school project that I was working on.  As quick as that, the narration was gone.

It was simply stunning.

I continued laughing because here is the God that I understand and here is how She presents herself in my life – quirky twists and turns.

At the end of the meeting, I asked for questions or comments.  A woman who was attending the meeting for the first time – whom I’ve never met before – raised her hand.  She proceeded to say that she got exactly what she needed from the conversation, particularly the random track that spontaneously started to play.  She related that she is going through a bunch of stuff and that there are some things running around in her head that she has been afraid to bring to God, or is too ashamed to bring to God.  The idea that we are free to bring anything to God was absolutely what she needed to hear.  Her sharing catalyzed another level of conversation that seemed to touch her deeply.

I knew last night that I was watching God at work – that was clear to everyone who was present.

I got up today – niggled by the idea that some track I’d never heard before was playing last night – and started an investigation to determine it’s source.  I searched for Track 24, identified when it was added to iTunes and then sorted my iTunes library by “Date Added” to Tracks 1 – 23.  I did.  I played Track 1 of that series and came to discover that this was the narration of the Overeaters Anonymous 12&12 – and that the language narrated could be found in that document on pages 92 – 95 (Hard cover, first edition). (Yes, I am sorry to say that I added this document to my library in December and have not listened to it yet…).

When I found the text, I discovered that I had quadruple underlined the sentence that “such freedom is an essential factor in the process of recovery.”  I had also quadruple starred the language that preceded this entire section:

“All of us who have utilized step eleven, consistently giving a part of each day to meditation and prayer, have been rewarded – and sometimes awed – by the results.”

I got a good laugh over this whole dynamic again today.  What are the odds that a specific random track would start to play from the database of over 2,000 tracks that are included in iTunes?  What are the odds that it would happen on the first night that someone attends the meeting at my house and it would resonate so deeply?  What are the odds that this new person – who is from the rooms of AA – would encounter the five or so specific paragraphs from the OA literature that seemed to rock her world last night in any other forum?

I have tremendous gratitude for the clarity I have today to watch God at work real-time.

 

 

Faster Shoes…

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This Sunday, April 17, 2016, we will be working on the first week of Step 7:  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

In the first few sentences of Step 6 in the AA Twelve and Twelve, Bill W. wrote an axiom that I have found to be true in my recovery:  Step 6 (and 7) separates the men from the boys.  Looking at yourself and admitting your humanity in Steps 4 & 5 are one thing.  Taking action to proactively change your life (Steps 6 & 7) is an entirely different conversation.

Steps 6 & 7 are for me the emotional sobriety steps – they are the place where I demonstrate to my Higher Power that I am truly willing to surrender my old ways of being in favor of a new life and freedom from bondage to self.

I know how long it took for me to develop the ability to engage in ongong self assessment, identification of my defects that contributed to any situation and the process of surrendering to new ways of living.  It was not overnight.

I burst out laughing when I heard the song below this week,  I can’t tell you how many times I tried to find the “faster shoes” that would help me avoid the sacred discomfort of real growth.  All I know now is that I am glad I never found them!

 

 

 

 

How do you know?

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This is another video on the topic of judgment that I crafted for the class I mentioned.  This really speaks to Step 2 and the idea that the creative force of the Universe can be seen when we release judgment of what “should” be and begin to look around at “what is.”

I look forward to your comments!

Know you are loved!!

Rising from the river…

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sailboatMy kids and I are sailors. Our sailboat is a modest sloop – less than thirty feet long and almost 30 years old. Were you to jump off the side of our sailboat, you would fall at least three feet until you hit the water. The distance between the waterline and the deck of my boat – the freeboard – is almost three feet. If I lie on my stomach and dangle my arm over the side, I cannot touch the water.

Why am I telling you about the depth of the freeboard on my boat? If you were in the water by the side of my boat there is no way I could lift you directly out of the water. The deck of my boat is easily three feet above the waterline. Were I to try to lean down and grab you, I would be pulled into the water myself.

So, after reading this, you might be asking yourself whether you’d want to sail with me. What would I do if you went over the side? Leave you in the water? The answer is, “of course not.”   While I may not be able to lift you out directly if you went into the water, there are many things I could do to help you lift yourself out.

There are tools that I could offer you to help you climb out of the water. I could throw you a lifeline to keep you near the boat. The kayak could be lowered over the side and you could pull yourself onto it. There’s a ladder that could be lowered over the side that you could swim to and climb.

And there are suggestions I can offer – based on my own experience – for how to use these tools to rise. I could stand on the deck and offer suggestions for how to follow the lifeline to the bow of the boat to find purchase and pull yourself up out of the water and onto the deck using the anchor chain, mooring ball or the bowlines. I could lead you to the engine mount and explain how to use it and the rails to lift yourself up. Specific instructions could be offered for how to climb onto the kayak and use it’s tether to drag it to the side to climb into the sailboat’s cockpit. Encouragement and suggestions could be given while you use the ladder to climb up the sloped and slippery side of the boat.   There are many suggestions I could make to help you pull yourself from the water and back to the deck – all based on my own experience.

Why am I telling you this?

In the 1500s, a Spanish monk named St. John of the Cross wrote a profound thought:

“There is a river which all souls must cross to reach the kingdom of Heaven.  The name of that river is suffering.  But there is a boat which ferries souls across that river.  The name of that boat is love.”

In my experience, for people immersed in the river of suffering, climbing onto the boat called love is very similar to climbing out of the water surrounding my sailboat.

First and foremost: No one can lift you out – you have to lift yourself.

As much as you may want other people to lift you, as much as you may feel that someone else “should” help you, as much as you may be telling yourself that you’re not capable or not really getting the help you need because you are being told to lift yourself – at the end of the day, your journey toward sobriety and sunlight will be determined by your willingness to do the work necessary to lift yourself from the river of suffering. Remember the language: “are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them.”

ALWAYS is a strong term.

Which leads to the next similarity between pulling yourself onto the deck of my sailboat and pulling yourself out of the river of addiction and suffering: take direction from the people who are on the boat as they might just be able to explain to you how they successfully achieved the deck!

As my book has illustrated, there is a great deal of natural resistance to doing things a different way – particularly when you are in challenging waters. In order to be willing to embrace new ideas, you must first drop the rock of your old ideas. You must become willing to grab firmly to the the lifeline offered with both hands.  You cannot pull yourself up using the anchor chain and bowlines with only one hand free. You will not move into a sober future whilst desperately clinging to the past.

And yes, I know that some of the suggestions that are being offered are unappealing and may even seem threatening.

What do you mean you want me to let go of the behaviors that have kept my head above water for years?

What do you mean you want me to remove layer after layer of wet clothes that I’ve kept around me for decades to protect me from the real or perceived predators around me in the river?

Seriously? How can looking at and cleaning off the slimy, slippery, creepy-looking biology experiment that is growing on the anchor chains that I have avoided my entire life going to help me climb out of the water?

Remember – you are still in the river – you only have theories about what it means to live a sober life. And you have the evidence that the theories you subscribe to don’t work because you are still in the river of suffering. The people on the deck, they have demonstrated experience – whatever they did clearly worked because they are standing on the deck. Look to the outcomes – they have what you want – do what they did and you will get what they got.

And here’s a question for you: why would the folks on the boat called love spend hours, days, months, years, standing by the rails to offer suggestions and support to complete strangers who are trying to turn their lives around?

The answer is really simple: everyone standing on the boat called love at one point started in exactly the same place that you are. Every single one of us – no matter how much time we have – we all started at day one – in the river trying to keep our head above water while the wreckage created by our disease of addiction tried to suck us under.

We understand that behind the resistance and the struggle is a miracle waiting to be revealed. We understand that you are where you are because no one helped you to develop the skills to live any other way. The folks standing at the rail offer to help because they know the beauty of the spirit behind the story, we see so much more than the wreckage – we see the miraculous truth about you because we have learned the miraculous truth about ourselves.

So for those of you that are still struggling – turn toward the voices on the boat – toward the people who love unconditionally and will foster your journey because they recognize the miracle that you are.  They understand that there is nothing you have done that cannot be redeemed and that there is no place you have gone that you cannot return from. Follow those voices.  Follow the voices of the people who know the river of suffering but made the commitment to themselves to climb onto the boat called love.