addiction

A lesson from an osprey…

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Last week while I was sailing, I had the privilege of watching a family of ospreys.  There images-4were five birds all together – each making lazy circles in the sky above my sailboat.  It was pretty clear to me that “Mom” and “Dad” had the kids out for a fishing lesson.  “Mom” – an osprey with a massive wingspan – slowly circled the group, “whistling” to the other birds.

Mom’s aspect changed.  She seemed as if she were hovering in the air, almost stalled.  Suddenly, she began a rapid dive toward the harbor.  Wings back, intent on her target.  images-5

There was no fear about the plunge into the water at full speed.  There was no deviation from her path.  At the last minute, her talons moved forward and into the water she went, feet first.

Second later, she rose from the water – a fish firmly grasped in her talons – slowly, rhythmically ascending with her prize.

So, why am I writing this here?  For me this is an epic metaphor for how the 12 steps work.  We see people circling around the rooms – literally, circling.  In and out, in and out, watching as other people’s lives improve.

They get to the point where they make the decision to turn their wills and lives over.  And then they watch a seasoned member make the dive into Steps 4 – 9.

“You want me to do what?  Hell no!”

What looks like a perilous plunge into the veritable unknown and unfamiliar, they continue to circle refusing to make the dive until the pain of living becomes so great that they eventually surrender to do whatever its takes – including the decision to dive into the unknown and unfamiliar – trusting that abundance and a better life is on the other side.

No osprey is going to get dinner without that dive into what looks like a hostile and unfamiliar environment.  The same can be said for recovery.  No addict is going to get better without that same dive into the unknown, literally supported by the wings of faith.  Those peope with a little time and a robust recovery understand that a fearless dive into the truth is the only path by which abundance and joy becomes a routine part of life.

I loved the metaphor – I hope it helps you!

There is an epic video of ospreys hunting here:  http://goodnature.nathab.com/watch-as-ospreys-demonstrate-their-hunting-skills/   The segment of the second bird going into the water makes me smile.  The best part for me is when it is rising and “shakes off” the water from its swim.  That for me is the best part of working the 12 Steps – shaking off the vestiges of the process while living into a new and fulfilling life.

 

 

Bruce Almighty – Is It Odd or Is It God?

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Several years ago, while working for a small, not-for-profit medical education company, I created a novel approach to training physicians about their diagnostic decision processes.  This idea had tremendous promise.  We heavily promoted this concept.  After months of work and speaking with a number of people at a major medical society in neurology about this product, I was invited to attend a Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting to discuss the impact of diagnostic error in neurology and this specific product.  This was November of 2009.

I had tremendous anxiety about this trip.  I am not a person who possesses a great deal of self-esteem.  I question my own ideas and intellect constantly.  I’ve spent most of my life living in the land of less then in a state of not-good-enough.  And while I have improved in my ability to “act as if” over the course of the last 20 years of my life, as I move forward in the process to more imposing or difficult challenges, anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment and fear of failure remain my constant companions.  This trip was no different.

I agreed to participate in this meeting about two weeks before the actual meeting.  The medical society made all the arrangements for me.  My flight and hotel were addressed through their travel team – I simply needed to show up.  The Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting was being held in Las Vegas (as it is every year). I found myself on a flight to MacCarren airport asking myself what the hell I was doing there.

The entire trip from New York to Vegas was colored by an internal discussion with the Universe about my fear.   I was battling the internal voices that were telling me that I was going to fail.  I had a constant tape running in my head telling me that this idea was bogus and it won’t work.

It was a lovely flight.

To offset the committee in my head, I repeated “Thy will, not mine, be done” over and over. I stayed in the discussion of asking only to know what the Universe needed from me in that moment and to be given the power to carry whatever it might be out.  I kept telling myself to detach from the outcome of success or failure of the venture and to look at the value of the trip for what it was – a learning experience.  I stayed sane by asking the Universe to show me what Her will was for me.  I repeatedly asked for the courage to face whatever it might be.  And, I asked the Universe to show me that I was in the right place.

The hotel that had been arranged was Planet Hollywood.  When I arrived, I was mentally and physically exhausted.  I was greeted with a big smile from an employee who was tremendously enthusiastic about my visit while I checked it at the cavernous front desk. .  We went through the typical dialogue that occurs at hotel registration while you’re waiting for the computer to process and documents to print – questions like “where are you travelling from,” “what will you be doing while you are in town,” “have you been here before,” etc.  I truly wanted to say that I was from New York and that I expected my career in continuing medical education to crash and burn while I was here.  Instead, I answered his questions honestly, wanting only to get to my room and lie down.

Smiling broadly, this gentleman handed me my identification, credit card and room key, and concluded our conversation by saying that a very special room had been reserved for me.  I remember thinking at the time, “I bet you say that to all the guests!” – not that I was in a place governed by cynicism!

This enthusiastic young man then informed me that this room was on a private floor of the hotel.  I was given specific instructions as to what elevator to use and how to access that floor.

I followed his instructions and arrived at (what I think was) the 31st floor of the hotel.  I walked down the hallway – which for all intents and purposes looked like every other hotel hallway I had ever walked down.  I opened the door to the room, stepped inside and started laughing.

When I stepped into the room, I once again got a taste of the Universe’s sense of humor.

I happen to love the Jim Carrey movie, “Bruce Almighty.”  I fell in love with the movie because of its underlying spiritual messaging:  God writes straight with crooked lines, self-centered fear is a problem for us all, is it a blessing or a tragedy and how do you know, etc.  I have watched this movie more times than I can count with my children.  I quite frequently recommend it to people I am working with who are struggling with the idea of accepting the “process” of spiritual development.

Early in the movie, Jim Carey’s character, Bruce, has experienced what he believes to be the worst day of this life.  It’s the end of the day and he is in his car with prayer beads that his girlfriend has given him.

As he is driving, he is having a “conversation” with God:

“Okay God, you want me to talk to You.  Talk back – tell me what’s going on.  What should I do?  Give me a signal!”

The video cuts to the image of a road construction sign that he must be seeing through his windshield.  It’s one of the big, generator-powered message signs that can be programmed to deliver specific directions.  This sign says, “Caution Ahead,” in big, illuminated, flashing letters.

The movie cuts back to an exasperated Bruce saying:

“I need Your guidance, Lord, please send me a sign!”

At which the camera focuses on the construction truck that has just turned in front of Bruce’s car.  This truck is carrying all manner of brilliantly illuminated road signs.  “Stop,” “Do Not Enter,” “Wrong Way,” “Dead End” are all clearly visible in the dark night.

Bruce expresses his anger at the slow moving truck in front of him.  He swerves to the right and accelerates to pass the truck.  He reaches over and grabs the prayer beads off the rear-view mirror, telling God that he needs a miracle – inviting God to reach into his life – and a second later he crashes his car.  That car crash becomes a turning point in the movie and is the beginning of transforming his journey of faith.

I love this clip in the movie because it so clearly illustrates the concept of how my experience with the Universe works, how my Higher Power speaks through situations and circumstances.  This clip is a very powerful reminder to me of how my selfishness and my often self-centered demands for how God should solve my problems quite frequently gets in the way of me seeing the signs that have been sent.  My frustration with not getting the message that I want in the way I expect to receive it can blind me to seeing the messages that are directly in front of me.

So, why did I tell you this and why was I laughing when I walked into my hotel room in Vegas?

My hotel room was the Jim Carrey room at Planet Hollywood; the first thing I saw hanging in a glass case on the wall directly across from the door was the shirt he wore in Bruce Almighty.  And all I could think was “send me a sign.”

I kept a photo of that glassed-encased shirt in my cellphone for many years.

There were 2,600 rooms in the Planet Hollywood facility in Las Vegas when I visited in 2009.  I stood there wondering about the odds of anyone being randomly assigned a specific room at a specific time in Las Vegas – considering the turnover of those rooms on any given day.   I tried to work the algorithm – it wasn’t simply 1 out of 2600 because not every guest checked out that morning.  I thought about the flow of the rooms, how they are cleaned and turned over.  And I wondered if I should go down to the casino and play.

In my mind, a sign had very clearly been delivered.  And my anxiety abated.

I didn’t get the answer about the success of the trip.  I didn’t get a miracle solution to ensure that I could answer every question that I expected would be raised by this room full of very intelligent people.  What I got was a reminder that I am not alone – an opportunity to live the “yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow I will fear not evil, for Thou are with me” that I taught children in Sunday school.  I was reminded that the Universe’s imagination and creativity is much bigger than mine.

There is tremendous peace that arises for me out of these Odd or God moments.  These little reminders serve to keep “me of little faith” walking down new and unfamiliar roads.  They serve as the signposts to remind me that the God of my Understanding is present. Even if I don’t have the destination in clear sight, I am on the right path which is really all that matters.  I am reminded in these moments to find peace in the process remembering that I cannot predict amazing.

How do you know?

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This is another video on the topic of judgment that I crafted for the class I mentioned.  This really speaks to Step 2 and the idea that the creative force of the Universe can be seen when we release judgment of what “should” be and begin to look around at “what is.”

I look forward to your comments!

Know you are loved!!

Rising from the river…

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sailboatMy kids and I are sailors. Our sailboat is a modest sloop – less than thirty feet long and almost 30 years old. Were you to jump off the side of our sailboat, you would fall at least three feet until you hit the water. The distance between the waterline and the deck of my boat – the freeboard – is almost three feet. If I lie on my stomach and dangle my arm over the side, I cannot touch the water.

Why am I telling you about the depth of the freeboard on my boat? If you were in the water by the side of my boat there is no way I could lift you directly out of the water. The deck of my boat is easily three feet above the waterline. Were I to try to lean down and grab you, I would be pulled into the water myself.

So, after reading this, you might be asking yourself whether you’d want to sail with me. What would I do if you went over the side? Leave you in the water? The answer is, “of course not.”   While I may not be able to lift you out directly if you went into the water, there are many things I could do to help you lift yourself out.

There are tools that I could offer you to help you climb out of the water. I could throw you a lifeline to keep you near the boat. The kayak could be lowered over the side and you could pull yourself onto it. There’s a ladder that could be lowered over the side that you could swim to and climb.

And there are suggestions I can offer – based on my own experience – for how to use these tools to rise. I could stand on the deck and offer suggestions for how to follow the lifeline to the bow of the boat to find purchase and pull yourself up out of the water and onto the deck using the anchor chain, mooring ball or the bowlines. I could lead you to the engine mount and explain how to use it and the rails to lift yourself up. Specific instructions could be offered for how to climb onto the kayak and use it’s tether to drag it to the side to climb into the sailboat’s cockpit. Encouragement and suggestions could be given while you use the ladder to climb up the sloped and slippery side of the boat.   There are many suggestions I could make to help you pull yourself from the water and back to the deck – all based on my own experience.

Why am I telling you this?

In the 1500s, a Spanish monk named St. John of the Cross wrote a profound thought:

“There is a river which all souls must cross to reach the kingdom of Heaven.  The name of that river is suffering.  But there is a boat which ferries souls across that river.  The name of that boat is love.”

In my experience, for people immersed in the river of suffering, climbing onto the boat called love is very similar to climbing out of the water surrounding my sailboat.

First and foremost: No one can lift you out – you have to lift yourself.

As much as you may want other people to lift you, as much as you may feel that someone else “should” help you, as much as you may be telling yourself that you’re not capable or not really getting the help you need because you are being told to lift yourself – at the end of the day, your journey toward sobriety and sunlight will be determined by your willingness to do the work necessary to lift yourself from the river of suffering. Remember the language: “are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them.”

ALWAYS is a strong term.

Which leads to the next similarity between pulling yourself onto the deck of my sailboat and pulling yourself out of the river of addiction and suffering: take direction from the people who are on the boat as they might just be able to explain to you how they successfully achieved the deck!

As my book has illustrated, there is a great deal of natural resistance to doing things a different way – particularly when you are in challenging waters. In order to be willing to embrace new ideas, you must first drop the rock of your old ideas. You must become willing to grab firmly to the the lifeline offered with both hands.  You cannot pull yourself up using the anchor chain and bowlines with only one hand free. You will not move into a sober future whilst desperately clinging to the past.

And yes, I know that some of the suggestions that are being offered are unappealing and may even seem threatening.

What do you mean you want me to let go of the behaviors that have kept my head above water for years?

What do you mean you want me to remove layer after layer of wet clothes that I’ve kept around me for decades to protect me from the real or perceived predators around me in the river?

Seriously? How can looking at and cleaning off the slimy, slippery, creepy-looking biology experiment that is growing on the anchor chains that I have avoided my entire life going to help me climb out of the water?

Remember – you are still in the river – you only have theories about what it means to live a sober life. And you have the evidence that the theories you subscribe to don’t work because you are still in the river of suffering. The people on the deck, they have demonstrated experience – whatever they did clearly worked because they are standing on the deck. Look to the outcomes – they have what you want – do what they did and you will get what they got.

And here’s a question for you: why would the folks on the boat called love spend hours, days, months, years, standing by the rails to offer suggestions and support to complete strangers who are trying to turn their lives around?

The answer is really simple: everyone standing on the boat called love at one point started in exactly the same place that you are. Every single one of us – no matter how much time we have – we all started at day one – in the river trying to keep our head above water while the wreckage created by our disease of addiction tried to suck us under.

We understand that behind the resistance and the struggle is a miracle waiting to be revealed. We understand that you are where you are because no one helped you to develop the skills to live any other way. The folks standing at the rail offer to help because they know the beauty of the spirit behind the story, we see so much more than the wreckage – we see the miraculous truth about you because we have learned the miraculous truth about ourselves.

So for those of you that are still struggling – turn toward the voices on the boat – toward the people who love unconditionally and will foster your journey because they recognize the miracle that you are.  They understand that there is nothing you have done that cannot be redeemed and that there is no place you have gone that you cannot return from. Follow those voices.  Follow the voices of the people who know the river of suffering but made the commitment to themselves to climb onto the boat called love.