Several years ago, while working for a small, not-for-profit medical education company, I created a novel approach to training physicians about their diagnostic decision processes. This idea had tremendous promise. We heavily promoted this concept. After months of work and speaking with a number of people at a major medical society in neurology about this product, I was invited to attend a Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting to discuss the impact of diagnostic error in neurology and this specific product. This was November of 2009.
I had tremendous anxiety about this trip. I am not a person who possesses a great deal of self-esteem. I question my own ideas and intellect constantly. I’ve spent most of my life living in the land of less then in a state of not-good-enough. And while I have improved in my ability to “act as if” over the course of the last 20 years of my life, as I move forward in the process to more imposing or difficult challenges, anxiety, fear of rejection and abandonment and fear of failure remain my constant companions. This trip was no different.
I agreed to participate in this meeting about two weeks before the actual meeting. The medical society made all the arrangements for me. My flight and hotel were addressed through their travel team – I simply needed to show up. The Patient Safety Subcommittee meeting was being held in Las Vegas (as it is every year). I found myself on a flight to MacCarren airport asking myself what the hell I was doing there.
The entire trip from New York to Vegas was colored by an internal discussion with the Universe about my fear. I was battling the internal voices that were telling me that I was going to fail. I had a constant tape running in my head telling me that this idea was bogus and it won’t work.
It was a lovely flight.
To offset the committee in my head, I repeated “Thy will, not mine, be done” over and over. I stayed in the discussion of asking only to know what the Universe needed from me in that moment and to be given the power to carry whatever it might be out. I kept telling myself to detach from the outcome of success or failure of the venture and to look at the value of the trip for what it was – a learning experience. I stayed sane by asking the Universe to show me what Her will was for me. I repeatedly asked for the courage to face whatever it might be. And, I asked the Universe to show me that I was in the right place.
The hotel that had been arranged was Planet Hollywood. When I arrived, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was greeted with a big smile from an employee who was tremendously enthusiastic about my visit while I checked it at the cavernous front desk. . We went through the typical dialogue that occurs at hotel registration while you’re waiting for the computer to process and documents to print – questions like “where are you travelling from,” “what will you be doing while you are in town,” “have you been here before,” etc. I truly wanted to say that I was from New York and that I expected my career in continuing medical education to crash and burn while I was here. Instead, I answered his questions honestly, wanting only to get to my room and lie down.
Smiling broadly, this gentleman handed me my identification, credit card and room key, and concluded our conversation by saying that a very special room had been reserved for me. I remember thinking at the time, “I bet you say that to all the guests!” – not that I was in a place governed by cynicism!
This enthusiastic young man then informed me that this room was on a private floor of the hotel. I was given specific instructions as to what elevator to use and how to access that floor.
I followed his instructions and arrived at (what I think was) the 31st floor of the hotel. I walked down the hallway – which for all intents and purposes looked like every other hotel hallway I had ever walked down. I opened the door to the room, stepped inside and started laughing.
When I stepped into the room, I once again got a taste of the Universe’s sense of humor.
I happen to love the Jim Carrey movie, “Bruce Almighty.” I fell in love with the movie because of its underlying spiritual messaging: God writes straight with crooked lines, self-centered fear is a problem for us all, is it a blessing or a tragedy and how do you know, etc. I have watched this movie more times than I can count with my children. I quite frequently recommend it to people I am working with who are struggling with the idea of accepting the “process” of spiritual development.
Early in the movie, Jim Carey’s character, Bruce, has experienced what he believes to be the worst day of this life. It’s the end of the day and he is in his car with prayer beads that his girlfriend has given him.
As he is driving, he is having a “conversation” with God:
“Okay God, you want me to talk to You. Talk back – tell me what’s going on. What should I do? Give me a signal!”
The video cuts to the image of a road construction sign that he must be seeing through his windshield. It’s one of the big, generator-powered message signs that can be programmed to deliver specific directions. This sign says, “Caution Ahead,” in big, illuminated, flashing letters.
The movie cuts back to an exasperated Bruce saying:
“I need Your guidance, Lord, please send me a sign!”
At which the camera focuses on the construction truck that has just turned in front of Bruce’s car. This truck is carrying all manner of brilliantly illuminated road signs. “Stop,” “Do Not Enter,” “Wrong Way,” “Dead End” are all clearly visible in the dark night.
Bruce expresses his anger at the slow moving truck in front of him. He swerves to the right and accelerates to pass the truck. He reaches over and grabs the prayer beads off the rear-view mirror, telling God that he needs a miracle – inviting God to reach into his life – and a second later he crashes his car. That car crash becomes a turning point in the movie and is the beginning of transforming his journey of faith.
I love this clip in the movie because it so clearly illustrates the concept of how my experience with the Universe works, how my Higher Power speaks through situations and circumstances. This clip is a very powerful reminder to me of how my selfishness and my often self-centered demands for how God should solve my problems quite frequently gets in the way of me seeing the signs that have been sent. My frustration with not getting the message that I want in the way I expect to receive it can blind me to seeing the messages that are directly in front of me.
So, why did I tell you this and why was I laughing when I walked into my hotel room in Vegas?
My hotel room was the Jim Carrey room at Planet Hollywood; the first thing I saw hanging in a glass case on the wall directly across from the door was the shirt he wore in Bruce Almighty. And all I could think was “send me a sign.”
I kept a photo of that glassed-encased shirt in my cellphone for many years.
There were 2,600 rooms in the Planet Hollywood facility in Las Vegas when I visited in 2009. I stood there wondering about the odds of anyone being randomly assigned a specific room at a specific time in Las Vegas – considering the turnover of those rooms on any given day. I tried to work the algorithm – it wasn’t simply 1 out of 2600 because not every guest checked out that morning. I thought about the flow of the rooms, how they are cleaned and turned over. And I wondered if I should go down to the casino and play.
In my mind, a sign had very clearly been delivered. And my anxiety abated.
I didn’t get the answer about the success of the trip. I didn’t get a miracle solution to ensure that I could answer every question that I expected would be raised by this room full of very intelligent people. What I got was a reminder that I am not alone – an opportunity to live the “yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow I will fear not evil, for Thou are with me” that I taught children in Sunday school. I was reminded that the Universe’s imagination and creativity is much bigger than mine.
There is tremendous peace that arises for me out of these Odd or God moments. These little reminders serve to keep “me of little faith” walking down new and unfamiliar roads. They serve as the signposts to remind me that the God of my Understanding is present. Even if I don’t have the destination in clear sight, I am on the right path which is really all that matters. I am reminded in these moments to find peace in the process remembering that I cannot predict amazing.
was sitting by the tiller, I happened to look to my left and came eye to eye with a different grasshopper!
To my surprise and glee, Magellan walked over and began to eat. I sat there watching as his antennae blew rhythmically in the wind. He investigated each broken grape, nibbled a bite or two and moved to the next. And that is when the lesson hit me directly between the eyes. Here was yet another metaphor for recovery.
were five birds all together – each making lazy circles in the sky above my sailboat. It was pretty clear to me that “Mom” and “Dad” had the kids out for a fishing lesson. “Mom” – an osprey with a massive wingspan – slowly circled the group, “whistling” to the other birds.
Today 